I learnt something about my self today!
something good! For the first time in months, it occured to me that I am now able to live with sides of me that are un-cool! Not that I was ever cool to start with..right from my days in kindergarten, I was the nerd/geek/tech-gizmo in a cost-effective combo-pack. So, being cool was a mile away from as far as I could see! Somehow, I was unable to live with that fact and was always conscious of it. I had this innate fear of not being good enough, not going that extra mile and not being unique enough to stand apart. Even worse, I did not know it was this that kept me partly unhappy and partly hungry!
So, my desire to progress/prosper/expand came out of a sense of dislike for what/where/who I was. Interestingly though, it did not occur to me until recently.
Until recently, when I realized I could get over it! It occured to me during a brief moment in my meditation that my sense of insecurity/inability was just as ephemeral as any other emotion, unless I let it bloat into a monster that would eat into my innermost image. So, I decided to let go..forget for a while that I donot like being as good/bad as I am and try to go back in time, right to my childhood.
Slowly, I found there were so many significant events/instances in my life where I would have made a different choice knowing what I know now. The knowledge that I donot have to the best at what I am doing to like myself when I am doing it. I thought this would take away from my desires, hopes and goals and scale me down into the depths of introspection and a sense of incompetence.
Boy, was I wrong!
Strangely, I now feel rejuvenated. I feel the power to be able to syndicate and work with what is better than me. The ability to listen better, to understand better and to create goals and think of ideas that are way bigger than I could ever fathom. What energizes me is the idea that I donot have to be the best at what I do to be able to recognize/appreciate/reward/energize someone better than me to accomplish the same.
Now, I got company! This time, it is as big as the noble intent of the globe!
posted by uday @ 8:40 PM
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